Depression, Life, Medical, Moods, Opinions, Politics

New Website

I have decided to make a new website and transfer this site on over to it. You can continue to follow my posts by following my new blog posted on instead right here. There you will be able to join my mailing list and have my posts emailed to you directly.

Health, Life, Medical, Quotes

I destroy homes…

I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that’s just the start. I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold, and if you need me, remember I’m easily found. I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you’ll see, but if you do, you may never break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul. When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms. You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised, I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends. I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side. You’ll give up everything your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone. I’ll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane. I’ll ravish your body; I’ll control your mind. I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed, the voices you’ll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me, But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I’ll be your master; you will be my slave, I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

~ Unknown ~

Certain People, Family, Health, Life, Medical

Adult Protective Services

Well on February 07, 2018 of this year I had to go and talk to mine and my mothers primary care provider about elder abuse. My elder brother and his girlfriend that lives with us, has started abusing my mother verbally and threatened with physical abuse. They had shut the heat off (as its 20 degrees outside) and informed my mother and the other elder that lives with us that I take care of that no one is to use the water nor will there be any heat and that if someone touches the thermostat that she (Tonya) will break their fingers.

I had no choice and didn’t know what else to do, So I went to our primary provider as I know she is a mandated reporter for suspected elder abuse. I informed her of what was going on and she advised me that she has had enough and that she would be making the report for Adult Protective Services to come in and investigate. About an hour later Nancy from APS called me and informed me that she would be on her way to do a surprise visit and to not let anyone in the house know that she was on the way.

After Nancy arrived she noticed for herself that the thermostat was shut off and the temperature in the house was 65 degrees and she became even more concern. After she made a comment to my mom about the temperature in the house, Tonya decided to state that we could access the heat and turn it on and that she had no problems. Tonya had an incling that I had turned her into elder services and informed me that I can’t turn her in for elder abuse. Well I got news for her, I didn’t have to as out primary did.

The heat ended up getting turned back on and permission was given for us to use the water. They (Lawrence & Tonya) was also informed that they can not retaliate against any of us and that if they did, there would be criminal charges filed against them.

Nancy called me the following day for a check up on everything since her visit and I told her everything was ok so far. She then wanted to speak to my mother for confirmation and mom told her the same. If it wasn’t for Adult Protective Services and our Primary Provider I don’t know what where we would be at this point and I thank them for the assistance and much gratitude for what they do to help their patients and the elderly.

Champaign-Urbana, Health, Medical

Surgery?? Possibly??

Well I went to the doctor today for the results of my MRI that I done on my right knee for the chronic pain, as the meds and physical therapy didn’t work. And the results are in…I have to see the orthopedic surgeons for my knee as there is an impingement within the knee and might have to have surgery on it. First they are gonna use a camera and go inside my knee and explore and see what all they can find whats wrong and then we will go from there.

I can say that my mom is worried sick already and stressing about it and says that she is going to be there and is going with me to the appointment to find out what is going on. So now I am playing the waiting game on ortho to call me with my appointment in Champaign.

I am a little nervous about it but also am excited as well. I’m excited as I’m getting closer to finding out what is wrong and getting it fixed and taken care of. I’m nervous as there is possibly surgery and that is something that I have never had done. I know that there is a strong possibility that they will do the exploratory on my knee at the first appointment, and I won’t be able to drive home as they will be putting me on a light sedative for the procedure.

So while I am waiting on the doctors to call and make my appointments I am going to just chill and relax and enjoy my time and try not to mess up my knee any worse than it is already. In a way I’m kinda hoping that they admit me into the hospital even for the exploratory as the hospital that I will be going to is my favorite and a top 50 in the United States. I’ve been in this hospital before as a patient for other reasons and they treated me with the utmost respect and dignity like everyone should receive unlike other hospitals (Iroquois Memorial) do.

This hospital that I will be at has the best physicians and nursing staff around and couldn’t ask for anything better. So here it is to me waiting on getting to this new appointment and possibly being admitted into the hospital for some surgery or surgery type procedure.

Health, Medical

Emergency Room

Well I ended up going to the emergency room tonight for my knee as I couldn’t bear the pain anymore in it as it just kept getting worse and the pain in this knee I have been able to deal with for quite sometime until now. I ended up having to have some xrays done on it and they found out that there is fluid on my knee, which doesn’t surprise me much as I’ve had that several times before. So while in the emergency room, the doctor had radiology come in and schedule me for an MRI on my knee so now I have to go on Monday and have an MRI done to it see what other damage if any there is on my knee. I’m praying that I don’t have to have surgery on it but from the emergency room doctors medical opinion, he said that I need to have surgery on it. So we will find out soon. So the doctor gave me a brace to wear on my leg for support on my knee which helps but is aggravating as hell as I can’t even drive if I wanted to unless I take the damn thing off. As long as I’m awake and doing things I have to wear it and let me tell ya I am and it is uncomfortable from hell and can’t sit anywhere comfortable with it on as I can’t bend my leg. But I guess it’s best so that I don’t damage my knee and make it worse. So heres to damaging my knee and getting it fixed so that I can be back to working order.

Champaign-Urbana, Depression, Medical, Moods

Self Admission

Depressed and manic! I haven’t been to bed in like 3 days as I haven’t been able to sleep as i have had a lot of energy and haven’t been able to contain but not enough energy to do any house work as i’m not doing that anymore because when i do i get downgraded and i’m tired of it. I was just told by someone that i’m a people pleaser and do almost any to make everyone happy well guess that shit is going to change as i’m going to start worrying about me and taking care of myself. I am currently sitting in the hospital in Urbana waiting on a crisis counselor to come and evaluate me so that i can possibly be admitted into the hospital for mental help with my bipolar. As this is the first time of me doing this on my own and by myself i am a little nervous and anxious. Every other time i was admitted it was because of self harm from intentional drug overdose and did not have a say and the originating hospital done it all. So here’s to me making a change for myself for once.

Well I can say that I was not able to get admitted into the hospital after speaking with the crisis counselor. They didn’t feel that I was a threat to myself or others and there was no need for me to be admitted into the hospital. Instead they referred me to a psychiatrist but am on a waitlist to be seen there so I have to continue with the medications that I am currently on along with the current dosage that I am taking. So in a way it was a waste of time for me to make a trip to Champaign, but I got to see some parts of Champaign that I haven’t got to explore yet.

Depression, Health, Medical, Opinions

Time to be admitted!?

Well I think its time that I have myself admitted into the hospital in Champaign at Presence so that I can have my medication reevaluated for my bipolar because I don’t that my medications are working anymore. I have been getting more depressed here lately and manic more than ever. I let my mom know about it last night and she started to freak out about it, but you know what, it is something that I need to do keep my mental health in check and in control so that I am stable so that I can live a stable and comfortable life. Yes, I shouldn’t have to admit myself into the hospital in order to do this, all I should have to do is contact my psychiatrist and make an appointment for this, but I don’t have one and yes I can schedule and appointment with one but that will and can take up to four weeks to get into to see one. I want to be able to get in and see one as soon as possible so that I’m not trying to commit suicide again, as I’ve done tried to commit it twice in less then 6 months. I’m already have the dreams of committing suicide like I did before when I attempted before therefore, I don’t want to encounter it again. They always say the third times a charm. And this would be the third time. This needs to be done and taken care of so that I can continue to live a fulfilling life for myself and be there for others that need me and depend on my. As always I need to work on me first before I can even begin to help anyone else and the first step to attempting to helping others is helping myself and that is what I am going to do.

I am going to talk to my probation officer tomorrow along with my counselor and let them know that I am going to be admitting myself into the hospital soon and that it will be for a 72 hour psychiatric hold for medication evaluation. I am going to reassure them that I will be doing it during the beginning of the week after group therapy and after probation so that I am not missing group or probation and to show that I am committed to staying in group and not missing any of it even for medical issues for myself.

I know that I screwed my group up last time by saying that I was in the hospital sick and that my mom was in the hospital sick and the like for a month straight and that wasn’t right for everyone in group or to myself. As I should be leading as an example as there are new people in group and I didn’t lead as a leader should but I am going and prove that I am a leader and can juggle my life, group, and my health and still function. Yet it still may still be a bit difficult at first, but I am always up for a challenge.

I do have it figured out of when I am going to drive myself to the hospital for a direct admit into Presence 5East, and it will be April 4th or 5th as I will have the funds to afford the transportation to drive myself there and back instead of paying someone to do both and I have enough of my current meds to last me until then. It’s just one week that I have to wait until I go, but I have no choice, and it is something that I have to do and need to do on my own and to quit depending on others to take me. It is a small stepping stone for me to independence by taking control of my healthcare. If I could afford to take myself now and have myself directly admitted into the hospital it would be a no brainer and would’ve already been done. So here’s to a small stepping stone into the right direction of bettering myself and my healthcare.