Humanity & Compassion

Anymore I just don’t understand people. I have been hearing some depressing news about a best friend that I have distanced myself from due to their drug use, but that is their business. I’ve been told my this friend is so messed up that I wouldn’t even recognize them if I saw them in public because all they are is skin covering bone. I wish there was something that I could do but there isn’t, and I know they won’t listen to me or anything because trust me, I have tried before on several occasions and it didn’t work and they wouldn’t listen. It just breaks my heart to hear these things that I am hearing.

Then I hear about another friend but more of an acquaintance than a friend, and they are hard up on the drugs as well. People have bets on their lives on who is going to overdose first and die from it.

I can’t wrap my head around it, how anyone can bet on someone’s life little lone on two lives and which one is gonna die first. What has this world come too. This is just way too much. Lives do matter, even if they have addictions. A lot of people think that by sending these addicts to prison they will get the rehab that they need. You know what, that don’t happen. The drugs are in the prisons just as much as they are on the streets. The prisons are corrupt with guards trafficking it in, so how is that helping. All it is doing is wasteing taxpayers dollars to imprison someone when our own justice system keeps feeding it them. Not everything is going to be perfect, I get that, I truly do. We need more help and education. Especially the education, because you know I didn’t know anything about meth or anything of the like. All I knew about meth was you could loose weight from it, and herion you used a needle for. That was all I knew about it. I wasn’t educated on the harsh reactions these hard drugs could do to your body. I can say that I have been clean for 7 months from meth and marijuana and have never done any other drug. The only help I got to get me clean, was jail. It was a wake up call for me, I do know that.

There’s needs to be more help out there for people with drug addictions, and more in-patient rehab facilities available. Especially in the rural communities like the one that I live in and have grown up in. People say the reason we don’t have the help or facilities in our rural communities is because of politics. I can’t just blame the politics on it. Yes, politics does have some to do with it but not all of it. There isn’t enough trained professionals in our areas to have these places. We don’t have the income median either.

We need to come together as a community, a state, and a country and help each other when we need it. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn’t mean you get the right to bet on their life of when their gonna die. How would you feel if someone done that to you or one of your children, grandkids, nieces or nephews, etc. You sure as hell woud be pissed off, because I know I would.

Team iPhone

Well I can say that I am officially back on #TeamiPhone after a short hiatus (5 months). I can say that I am so glad that I am glad that I am back with my iPhone. I have been so lost without having an iPhone. I was using an Android phone and I can say that it totally sucked ass and didn’t have any of the features that I came to love that Apple offers. I can say that I won’t ever go back to Android and will stick to iPhone and everything Apple.

13-29-47

13-29-47 is my old high school locker combination and old highschool computer password that I used when I needed to use the computer at school. I have been thinking of my high school career from when I was in high school before I dropped out here lately and I can say that I have been missing it. That is the one thing that I wish that I hadn’t done, is drop out of high school as by dropping out I didn’t accomplish anything with my life and still haven’t accomplished anything. But I can say that I am changing that, as I am going to get my GED even though I am 28 years old. I have been studying on my own but the only thing that I have been having issues with is the mathematics, but this post isn’t about me and the GED. It’s about me and my high school career. It’s something that I have been reflecting on here lately. Since dropping out of high school, I have lost all contacts with all of my friends that I had in school and I believe that if I had stayed in school and completed it and went on to college I wouldn’t be where I am now, stuck in a rut/whole that I am trying to get out of which has been hell but have been trying to do, even though it has been slow (extremely slow).

I am on my way to get myself out of my predictament and move on with my life and make something of myself even if I have to make sacrifices to get there that I don’t want to. It is something that I have finally realized that I need to do and have to do in order to move on with my life. I am determined to do this, no one can do this for me, it is something that I have to do for myself, since I didn’t do it when I was in high school, I have to do it now.

I had so many prospectives when I was in high school, and looked forward to graduating and moving on with my life and starting a life and I through it all away for nothing. People ask me if it is something that I regret, and the simple answer is yes. Yes I do regret it. I could’ve pushed through the obstacles and challenges that were put in front of me, but instead I took to easy way out and said fuck it, and just quit it all together. This is one of my biggest regrets of my life that I have to live with until I fix it, as it is something that I can fix and will fix. Determination is something that I have in order to get this fixed and get my life back on track and keep going forward and moving forward in a positive meaning and energy.

Short Term Goals

I’ve been told recently that I need to set some goals for my life and that I need to set some short term goals first and then some long term goals. Well, I have set one short term goal already and that is getting my GED. I am going to be getting my GED soon. I have already spoken to my Community College and they have placed me on their calendar where I can take the classes online with them. They are going to be calling me the first couple weeks of July 2017 so that I can go to the college and take the placement tests to see if I qualify for the online classes. They want to make sure that I am able to read at the 8th/9th grade level, in which I know I can.

Once I get done with the classes I am going to take the tests and am hoping that I pass them with college honors or college credit minimally so I don’t have to take any prerequisite college courses before attending college. But you know what if I have to take some prerequisite college courses that’s fine with me. As college is something else that I want to do and is another goal of mine, but that is a long term goal for me.

I love being able to learn and find out interesting facts. Education is one of the most powerful weapons that we have, and I intend to continue to use my education and pursue an education. People ask me when I do attend college when I am going to major in. That is something that I am not completely decided on yet. I have several interests that I love and have a passion for. There are some that I can’t do but would love to do but that’s ok though. When I get to that stage in my life where I am officially enrolled in college that is when I will have made my decision of what I want to major and minor in.

Pride 2017

I can say that this year I won’t be attending Pride 2017 in Chicago like I had plans on doing as it was something that I wanted to do this year. But it’s ok, I am going to go to Champaign-Urbana and go to their Pride celebration and it will be the first time of me going to Pride in Champaign-Urbana during September. I am looking forward to seeing what Champaign-Urbana has to offer for Pride for events as this will be something new and exciting for me to go to this year and am looking forward to going and enjoying myself.

I am going to take a couple of my friends with me so that I’m not going alone as this is something new for me as when I go somewhere new or an event that is new to me, I always go with a friend or a few friends. Although I would much rather go to a much bigger Pride celebration, but one can’t complain as I will be celebrating amongst others in the same thing.

So here’s to Pride 2017 and what it all has to offer.

Education

As some people may know I didn’t complete high school and was supposed to be the class of 2008. I have attempted on getting my GED in the past by going to the classes that they offer here and then just up and quit the classes and said the hell with it.

Well I am going to attempt it once again so that I can pursue something for myself and make something of myself. I have contacted my community college in my area that offers the GED classes and the testing about studying online as they offer online studying. As I believe that the online studying will be more beneficial for myself.

I am tired of being in a slump and just being idol and not moving forward. Not only have I taken the step to furthering my education, I am trying to get a job/career. I have submitted my resume and experiences to several temp agencies around me and submitted applications to companies individually so that I can hopefully get a job and possibly turn it into a career and make something of myself and be able to provide for myself and move on with my life.

I was told that I needed to create some goals for myself and the first basic goals that I have for myself are to get an education and get a career. I am 28 years old and don’t have anything to show for in my life or anything and that is something that I need to change and want to change. If I don’t start now, I won’t have anything later in life when I need it desperately.

So here’s to looking up and making changes to my life.

Friendships!

Friendships is one thing that I pride myself on. There is one friendship that I don’t have and I wish that I did have and miss. That was one friend that I could always go to when I had a problem and no one would ever listen to me when I needed someone to listen but he would. Yes there are things that he done/does that I don’t approve of, but no matter what I will always be there for him no matter what anybody says because that is what friendships are about.

I get told on a daily basis that this wasn’t a friendship or anything. It was just him using me to get whatever he needed or wanted. But you know what if that’s what it was, then it was, I don’t really care. I haven’t heard from him since around my birthday when I got out of jail and seen him in Casey’s and exchanged a few texts. Then I got a new phone and number and I lost his number.

This is one friendship that I wish I still had and wouldn’t change anything about the friendship that we had. We grew up together and were like brothers. I constantly hear negative things about him or what he is doing or has done but, that is something that I don’t believe. People say I don’t believe because I don’t want to believe it. That’s far from the truth, it’s not that I don’t want to believe, it’s I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!

I don’t trust my life with anyone really even my own mother, but I trust my life with him. There are only two people I trust my life with and that’s him and my other best friend. Sometimes I just want to see how he’s doing, hell with the sometimes, I wanna know all the time, because I worry about him. People don’t understand what I see in him, well I see a friend, someone that’s been hurt (several times), someone that needs a friend (a true friend).

They always say, friends come and go. Well you know what that may be true, but this is one friend never goes. I always wonder how he is and if he’s ok. I wrote him in prison and worried about him when he was in prison. Yea me may not look like that person I used to know, but looks aren’t anything, it’s what’s inside that matters and that never changes. He will always have a good heart and help whoever he can when he can as he did for me on several occasions.

I do know I would’ve pissed a lot of people off if I would’ve had to have surgery on my knee. Because that’s one person I would want there because he would be the one to push me to get better and to not be a pussy about it.

How I Feel Today!

Well I can say that the past couple of days I have not been feeling myself mentally. I don’t think that the medication that I am currently on is doing what it is supposed to be doing for me and it needs to be changed. I have been depressed more and manic more than usual. I haven’t been able to sleep or when I do its for only a couple of hours. I keep getting asked if I’m okay, and I just say that I am because it is so much easier to say that I am ok than having to try and explain to everyone how I am feeling. I wish I was a lot easier to explain on how I feel, but it’s not. So I have to wait for the doctors office in Champaign to call me to schedule an appointment so that I can see the doctor and get my medication managed the way that it needs to be done. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with this on a daily basis, as it gets to be too much for me sometimes and just don’t want to be here anymore and not have to worry about anything anymore.

No one (family) understands what I am going through or how I am feeling. This is a lot for me and at times it seems like it is too much for me and that I can’t handle it. I have no mental strength to get up and do things, the simplest things around the house nor do I even want to. If I could just stay in my bed all the time and not have to come out of it, I would be happy. But that’s something that I don’t wanna do my whole life. I wanna be able to enjoy my life and have fun just like everyone else does. That’s why I am waiting patiently for the doctors office to call me so that I can get scheduled to see a psychiatrist to get my meds taken care of.

When I was in the hospital emergency room last week to try and get my meds fixed, the crisis counselor asked me what some of my triggers were and my coping skills for the triggers. Well I have all kinds of coping skills but I don’t know what my triggers are exactly. It can range from a scene in a tv show that I just watched to not having enough hot water to take a shower. I understand that I need to figure out my triggers and how to cope with them and get them under control but that is something that I don’t know how to do, as I don’t know exactly what my triggers are.

That was like today I took my mom shopping and out to eat and I didn’t even feel enthused about doing it, and trust me, I love to go shopping and enjoying myself. Mom asks me if I had fun, and I just lied straight to her face, and said yes I enjoyed it. It’s just so much easier to say that I had fun or I’m doing okay even when I’m not, than having to explain all of it and then her not even understand it. So I don’t know what to do anymore.

Have I thought about suicide lately?! Yes, I actually have. I have thought about it a lot here lately as a source of trying to get help, but thats going extreme and would get accused of trying to get attention. I’m literally where I don’t wanna be here anymore and not have to deal with anything.

So here’s to another day of being in the slumps and trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Snitching Bitchez

Well I went to probation today for the first time since getting out of jail and I got to find out a lot of shit. One of the first questions was my probation officer asked was if I was managing my moms money still and if I knew why I wasn’t. And then he told me all the things that people told him.

My mom (my own fucking mother) had the balls to tell my probation officer that she wasn’t sleeping because she was scared of me and afraid that i might do something to her. WTF!!! I am beyond pissed the fuck off and then she told him that I was stealing her meds (narcotics) from her which I wasn’t. I can’t believe my own mother would betray me like that and then when i try and ask her about it like a notmal conversation, she denies every fucking thing. Hell while I was in jail she even told my probation officer and everyone else that I wasn’t coming back home and that I wasn’t gonna be living here with her and everyone else.

Well beens the truth has been set out to me by my probation officer because my mother can’t tell me she just wants to lie to me as usual, I will be looking for another place to live and getting the fuck out of here. I hate doing shit like this but how can I trust her. Your supposed to be able to trust your own mother but yet I can’t trust her, and if I can’t trust her then why should I be around her. I don’t want nothing to do with her healthcare or anything. I let all of her doctors know that I am no longer her power of attorney as I am revoking it, and having the court system appoint a surrogate healthcare and financial power of attorney for her. The shit she says irritates me and gets underneath my skin.

I am going to find me somewhere else to live even if I have to live on the streets because I will. I can’t do this anymore. I’m just tired of being lied to and betrayed by my own mother and family.

My health mood for my depression/bipolar for today is shit. After finding this all out it just went down the drain. It was a pretty decent day until I found all of this out. This kind of drama/stress does not help my moods and depression and just makes it worse. and that is something that I can’t have in my life. If I continue to have it in my life, something is going to happen to me and that is something that I don’t want to happen. I have to much left of my life and in my life. I have 2 amazing nieces and one nephew that means the world to me and I can’t leave them, but if I stay in this hostile environment they will end up loosing me.

So here’s to a shitty ass day!!

Healthcare & Financial POA?

Apparently people don’t understand the meaning of a Healthcare & Financial Power of Attorney anymore! As I am legally the POA for healthcare and financial of my mother but yet I have nothing in my control or in my possession as i am legally able to have. Instead I have restrictions that people put on my moms medications at the pharmacy from which I am not allowed to pick up as well. There is only one successor agent listed on the Legal POA which is my elder brother Lawrence which is when I am unavailable to make any decisions and only he is able to make to the decisions and no one else. I have done some legal research and spoke to some attorney’s and the next course that I will have to take, is filing a legal document for a healthcare restraining order, as the POA is also legalized within the court system as well. I will be filing the appropriate legal documents necessary as soon as possible and have a stay put in place until this is resolved and have me put back in charge and have other people stopped from making any other changes.

This is something that I never thought that I would ever have to do, nor want to do, but as a legal representative and having the best interests in mind of my mother, I have no other choice but to do this, and have these filings done. I do know that I will have to file for an emergency stay to be put in place as well as an emergency healthcare restraining order. I will have to absorb the costs of this having to be done, but I can have the costs recovered from the respondent. As this has caused an emotional turmoil on me and my family and will possibly cause more due to the legal paremeters that has to be done to correct everything.

So here’s to getting everything fixed and corrected to where it should be!