Grow Up

People need to just grow the fuck up and get over themselves. I have my niece here for the day and her so-called grandmother is bein a total bitch to her for no reason. Just because she don’t want her around someone. I could understand her point if this person done something but he hasn’t done anything, as he would do anything in the world for my 4 year old neice. All she wanted was to be in the living room with me and him but that was a NO. Each time she tried to come into the living room she would get yelled and told she could only be in the kitchen. How can you “lock up” a child in the kitchen, all because you want to be a bitch. I got news for you this isn’t going to keep happening because my mouth is getting ready to open up and people aren’t going to like what I have to say and what I’m going to do. What’s the worse that she can do, call my probation officer? Big deal, because he already knows whats going on in my house because I tell him all the time and email him constantly letting him know what is going on as he wants to know what is going on in my life. He knows the dynamics that I am living with and have to deal with on a daily basis and they have tried to fuck me over before and succeeded but this time it isn’t gonna happen.

So since she won’t let my niece come into the living room and watch tv and be a kid, I am sitting in the kitchen with her while I’m writing this, and watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas with her so that she can enjoy her movies since she can’t in the living room on my smart tv.

Humanity & Compassion

Anymore I just don’t understand people. I have been hearing some depressing news about a best friend that I have distanced myself from due to their drug use, but that is their business. I’ve been told my this friend is so messed up that I wouldn’t even recognize them if I saw them in public because all they are is skin covering bone. I wish there was something that I could do but there isn’t, and I know they won’t listen to me or anything because trust me, I have tried before on several occasions and it didn’t work and they wouldn’t listen. It just breaks my heart to hear these things that I am hearing.

Then I hear about another friend but more of an acquaintance than a friend, and they are hard up on the drugs as well. People have bets on their lives on who is going to overdose first and die from it.

I can’t wrap my head around it, how anyone can bet on someone’s life little lone on two lives and which one is gonna die first. What has this world come too. This is just way too much. Lives do matter, even if they have addictions. A lot of people think that by sending these addicts to prison they will get the rehab that they need. You know what, that don’t happen. The drugs are in the prisons just as much as they are on the streets. The prisons are corrupt with guards trafficking it in, so how is that helping. All it is doing is wasteing taxpayers dollars to imprison someone when our own justice system keeps feeding it them. Not everything is going to be perfect, I get that, I truly do. We need more help and education. Especially the education, because you know I didn’t know anything about meth or anything of the like. All I knew about meth was you could loose weight from it, and herion you used a needle for. That was all I knew about it. I wasn’t educated on the harsh reactions these hard drugs could do to your body. I can say that I have been clean for 7 months from meth and marijuana and have never done any other drug. The only help I got to get me clean, was jail. It was a wake up call for me, I do know that.

There’s needs to be more help out there for people with drug addictions, and more in-patient rehab facilities available. Especially in the rural communities like the one that I live in and have grown up in. People say the reason we don’t have the help or facilities in our rural communities is because of politics. I can’t just blame the politics on it. Yes, politics does have some to do with it but not all of it. There isn’t enough trained professionals in our areas to have these places. We don’t have the income median either.

We need to come together as a community, a state, and a country and help each other when we need it. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn’t mean you get the right to bet on their life of when their gonna die. How would you feel if someone done that to you or one of your children, grandkids, nieces or nephews, etc. You sure as hell woud be pissed off, because I know I would.

Help!

My last post entitled Lost & Empty, I let my mom see it and read it and her reaction wasn’t what I expected. All she had to say was that she wanted something like that. I was shocked and amazed. How can you not read it and not ask anything about it or have any type of emotions? It was a simple cry for help. Help that I need and want and tried to scream and ask for and did I get it, hell no. All I get is, I want something like that.

What is the point of asking for help when no one is willing to help or willing to offer resources that aren’t even going to help? I have tried to get admitted to the hospital so that I can get help, as I was told to go there to get the help that I need and then the hospital turns me away. I am actually trying to ask for help and it is like everyone is deaf and can’t hear my screams for help no matter how loud I scream it.

I think I’m just gonna give up on trying to ask for the help that I need and just do it myself although it may not be healthy but what am I supposed to do when no one is listening to me.

That was like, I was writing my last post and company comes over while I’m in the middle of writing and I catch hell because I didn’t answer their phone call. Well, you know what, I was in the middle of something that was extremely important and didn’t have the time to answer it. I told this person what I was doing, writing my feelings, and their response was to put it on pause and answer the phone. That’s just something you can’t do. You can’t just put your feelings on pause or hold just to please someone. What gets me, is that after I told them what I was doing, did they bother to ask me, how I was or how I was feeling or anything? Hell no! I got nothing as usual. So here’s to me saying fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I can do myself to help myself even if it may not be mentally healthy, but what other choices do I have? None!

Lost & Empty

Here lately I have felt like I am lost somewhere and don’t belong and completely empty on the inside. I have been taking my medications like I am supposed to be doing but I think it is something more than that. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore and never really have. I have tried to talk to someone but it seems like no one wants to listen to me. With this emptiness and feeling lost I have been also getting severely agitated as well with just anything. I’m to the point that I don’t care anymore of who I piss off or not and I sure as in the hell not going to keep keeping the peace in the house anymore, I’m just tired of it. I wish I didn’t have these feelings anymore, and I know of one way and only way in order to get rid of these specific feelings and that’s just leaving this so-called wonderful world.

I have been trying for many years to try and find myself and where I belong and I am still lost and can’t find where I am supposed to be. I thought that when I went to California that I would find myself there or even when I was in Chicago on several occasions and am still lost. I have travelled to many destinations trying to find where I belong so I am no longer lost and have been unsuccessful. I feel like the only place I won’t be lost is by taking myself out of the equation. The first time I tried to commit suicide which I hardly remember anything, I felt like I was at peace and right where I belong. I was numb and didn’t feel anything and that was the best feeling I have ever felt.

My emptiness that I keep feeling just keeps getting stronger, like I have nothing on the inside and nothing to look forward, in which I don’t. I have nothing to look forward and I don’t look toward tomorrow when I when I go to sleep as the emptiness just keeps getting more empty than what it was the day before. I wish tomorrow would never come so I wouldn’t have to feel the emptiness grow stronger. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up and then I wouldn’t have to deal with being empty and lost anymore.

Something that helps brew my agitation, is the hatred and ass kissing attitudes that I have to live with and deal with on a daily basis. There is just so much hatred and ass kissing attitudes going on just in my house alone that I have to live with daily. It just gets so much under my skin that it makes me sick to my stomach so much that I just want to stay in my room and not deal with anything. Between feeling lost, empty and agitated, I am stuck in my room and listening to my music so I can drown everything out.

All the hatred attitude is always pointed towards me and then people wanna act like nothing and always want me to do something for them or help them with their problems. When I have problems they just act like they care and then when they think they have succeeded at making me feel better here comes the hatred again. People think that I don’t hear all the whispers that go on in this house, or when they go to other people and talk about me because it always gets back to me. I hear everything that goes on and how people think of me. What really agitates me is when, I try to get my feelings out, which may hurt other people and they get all defensive and wanna start a fight when in reality all I’m doing is speaking my feelings and the truth.

The ass kissing comes in so that there is peace in the house. You know what I’m to the point I don’t give a fuck about keeping peace. Peace is overrated in this society, hell look at our current president (Donald J. Trump) we have. I’m sick of hearing this excuse all the time, gotta keep peace. Why do we have to keep peace, what’s the point, it just builds on your own stress and the stress around others. I don’t see any point in keeping peace, which is why I’m not. I’m not going to be kissing everyone’s ass just to keep the peace. I am not going to keep adding onto my shoulders just to make everyone else happy. I’m not going to be a people pleaser anymore. I’m going to start doing me and only me before I even think about anyone else.

How I Feel Today!

Well I can say that the past couple of days I have not been feeling myself mentally. I don’t think that the medication that I am currently on is doing what it is supposed to be doing for me and it needs to be changed. I have been depressed more and manic more than usual. I haven’t been able to sleep or when I do its for only a couple of hours. I keep getting asked if I’m okay, and I just say that I am because it is so much easier to say that I am ok than having to try and explain to everyone how I am feeling. I wish I was a lot easier to explain on how I feel, but it’s not. So I have to wait for the doctors office in Champaign to call me to schedule an appointment so that I can see the doctor and get my medication managed the way that it needs to be done. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with this on a daily basis, as it gets to be too much for me sometimes and just don’t want to be here anymore and not have to worry about anything anymore.

No one (family) understands what I am going through or how I am feeling. This is a lot for me and at times it seems like it is too much for me and that I can’t handle it. I have no mental strength to get up and do things, the simplest things around the house nor do I even want to. If I could just stay in my bed all the time and not have to come out of it, I would be happy. But that’s something that I don’t wanna do my whole life. I wanna be able to enjoy my life and have fun just like everyone else does. That’s why I am waiting patiently for the doctors office to call me so that I can get scheduled to see a psychiatrist to get my meds taken care of.

When I was in the hospital emergency room last week to try and get my meds fixed, the crisis counselor asked me what some of my triggers were and my coping skills for the triggers. Well I have all kinds of coping skills but I don’t know what my triggers are exactly. It can range from a scene in a tv show that I just watched to not having enough hot water to take a shower. I understand that I need to figure out my triggers and how to cope with them and get them under control but that is something that I don’t know how to do, as I don’t know exactly what my triggers are.

That was like today I took my mom shopping and out to eat and I didn’t even feel enthused about doing it, and trust me, I love to go shopping and enjoying myself. Mom asks me if I had fun, and I just lied straight to her face, and said yes I enjoyed it. It’s just so much easier to say that I had fun or I’m doing okay even when I’m not, than having to explain all of it and then her not even understand it. So I don’t know what to do anymore.

Have I thought about suicide lately?! Yes, I actually have. I have thought about it a lot here lately as a source of trying to get help, but thats going extreme and would get accused of trying to get attention. I’m literally where I don’t wanna be here anymore and not have to deal with anything.

So here’s to another day of being in the slumps and trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Self Admission

Depressed and manic! I haven’t been to bed in like 3 days as I haven’t been able to sleep as i have had a lot of energy and haven’t been able to contain but not enough energy to do any house work as i’m not doing that anymore because when i do i get downgraded and i’m tired of it. I was just told by someone that i’m a people pleaser and do almost any to make everyone happy well guess that shit is going to change as i’m going to start worrying about me and taking care of myself. I am currently sitting in the hospital in Urbana waiting on a crisis counselor to come and evaluate me so that i can possibly be admitted into the hospital for mental help with my bipolar. As this is the first time of me doing this on my own and by myself i am a little nervous and anxious. Every other time i was admitted it was because of self harm from intentional drug overdose and did not have a say and the originating hospital done it all. So here’s to me making a change for myself for once.

Well I can say that I was not able to get admitted into the hospital after speaking with the crisis counselor. They didn’t feel that I was a threat to myself or others and there was no need for me to be admitted into the hospital. Instead they referred me to a psychiatrist but am on a waitlist to be seen there so I have to continue with the medications that I am currently on along with the current dosage that I am taking. So in a way it was a waste of time for me to make a trip to Champaign, but I got to see some parts of Champaign that I haven’t got to explore yet.

Current Life

Well I can say that I just found out some interesting information that just pisses me off to the max. I have been holding in so much frustrations that I want to end up blowing a gasket but I get informed by my mother, that I just need to keep my mouth shut because the people that live here are wanting me to open my mouth and blow up. She told me not to do anything. How can I live somewhere, where I have to walk on eggshells and hope I don’t piss anyone off and then be persecuted by them for only god knows what. This is not the life that I asked for and nor am I going to live it either. If I can’t live in my home normally and be able to speak my own opinions then what’s the point of even living here then. There is no point of even living here then, so I have begun the process of looking for another place to live so that I can live my life the way that I need to and have to. And if nobody likes that then they can all just kiss my ass.

Addictions

I love how I am told that I’m addicted to drugs when I have done them a couple times a week for a couple weeks. I love when people tell me that I can’t stop on my own will but yet, I haven’t been high in 8 days nor do I have the urge to get high. I love when people accuse me of shit when they don’t even know me or what I can do. Yes I’ve done drugs in my life and no I haven’t ever been addicted to them as I have quit and never had the urge to do them again. I also love it when people say I’m an addict when I say I’m not. Usually that is how it works with people but I can honestly say that I am no addict to any drugs. I like to live life to the fullest that I can. And if the one drug kills me then I know I lived my life to the fullest that I could ever have done. There are drugs that I have never done and would never attempt to do them because I know what they can do to people and what they have done to people. Some of the drugs out there aren’t worth doing and loosing your life over doing them. The hardest drug that I have ever done was meth because I wanted a different high and everyone that I talked to said it was the best high that they have ever done. So yea of course I wanted to try it and I did. Did I love it, no, but I did like it. Since I like it does it mean I’m going to continue to do it no. I am not going to risk it anymore. If I was going to risk something in my life over anything it would be my life as I have before but I’m not that dumb. 

Another reason why I tried meth was because of the weight loss it can cause you to have. I have a vanity issue when it comes to my looks. Yes I have tried everything to loose the weight and be at my target goal but it never worked and I let it work for quite awhile. So I decided to do something unconventional and then get get told that’s obsurd to being doing this drug to loose weight. Well if you would put your feet in my shoes you would too. I can’t even look in the mirror 99% of the time because I don’t like the way I look. So yes I done something to help with my weight loss. 

Another thing that gets on my last nerve is when I tell people that I have attempted suicide and then their response is I’m using that as an excuse to get out of things when I’m not. I love it how people can judge me and not know me. That’s the best part of life, getting judged for something and they don’t even know what their talking about. 

My Weekend

Well this weekend I am declaring it mine. I’m not doing anything for anyone this weekend as it will be my only weekend that I will have to myself and want to be able to enjoy it. I have shit my phone off for the weekend so that no one can disturb me or my weekend. The only disruptions that I will tolerate is emergencies. This is the only weekend that I will have as harvest is starting and I won’t be able to do anything until harvest is over. One thing is that it sucks as I won’t be able to go and see my friend as I would like to as I won’t have the time as I have to take a buddy to work and then pick him up from work and then I have my niece that I have to take to school and pick up from school. So if I wanna do something or go hang with my buddy I have to do it throughout the day from the time I take my niece to school and be back in time to pick her up from school. Hopefully I’ll be able to do something on Saturday nights/Sunday as my buddy don’t have to work on Sundays for at least right now. 

So this is gonna be my weekend to enjoy to myself. I did want to go see my friend but don’t have the gas to go and see him. So hopefully real soon I will have the gas and everything so that I can cuz I do miss seeing him even though I’ve only seen him once since August. 

So here’s to my weekend of relaxation!

My life

Just sitting here thinking about my life and how it sucks. I have nothing to look forward to or even remotely close to looking forward to. I have nothing in my life that is even worse h loving for right now it seems like. I just wanna sit here and just cry myself to sleep but I can’t as I’m sitting down here at grandmas and I don’t wanna show any type of emotion so I’m not worrying them about me. So I’m just gonna sit here and write and try to feel better but I know that ain’t gonna happen. I’m to the point again that I hate my life and don’t wanna live it anymore. All I have thought about today is suicide again and not having to worry about anything ever again. I don’t know why my meds haven’t started working yet as its been a month now that I’ve been on them. All I do is dread about everything and shouldn’t have to. I should be able to live a normal life but for some reason I can’t. I want to be able to love someone unconditionally and they love me the same but that won’t happen. Everyone that I care and love about are either out of my reach, just wants to be fuck buddies, in the closet, or don’t wanna do anything anymore. My life is complete shit and isn’t worth living anymore. I have nothing. I am worthless and a nobody. I just wish this bipolar shit would go away. I can’t function in life I have to motivation for anything. If I could just lay in bed 24/7 I would because that’s what I would much rather do. 

Right I wanna get so high and give no shits about tomorrow. Yea I know the consequences of me getting high again, I will end up in jail. I’m to the point that I don’t give a fuck about anything. Getting high just relieves so much and takes so much off my chest and don’t have to worry about anything. It was offered to me a little bit ago but I turned it down and I wish that I didn’t I could just kick myself in the ass for turning it down. But I used a good thinking process for once in my life. I have never turned away dope when it was offered to me. I don’t care about life anymore or anything this life represents to itself. I just wanna give up on everything but I don’t. I don’t because of my 2 nieces and my amazing baby nephew Easton. These three mean the world to me. So I can’t. 

I’m to the point while I’m sitting here I just want to sleep and not wake up I have nothing and I am nothing. No one wants me. I’ve tried to keep calm and let it ride and nothing. I’m stuck in a hole and get out of it.