Humanity & Compassion

Anymore I just don’t understand people. I have been hearing some depressing news about a best friend that I have distanced myself from due to their drug use, but that is their business. I’ve been told my this friend is so messed up that I wouldn’t even recognize them if I saw them in public because all they are is skin covering bone. I wish there was something that I could do but there isn’t, and I know they won’t listen to me or anything because trust me, I have tried before on several occasions and it didn’t work and they wouldn’t listen. It just breaks my heart to hear these things that I am hearing.

Then I hear about another friend but more of an acquaintance than a friend, and they are hard up on the drugs as well. People have bets on their lives on who is going to overdose first and die from it.

I can’t wrap my head around it, how anyone can bet on someone’s life little lone on two lives and which one is gonna die first. What has this world come too. This is just way too much. Lives do matter, even if they have addictions. A lot of people think that by sending these addicts to prison they will get the rehab that they need. You know what, that don’t happen. The drugs are in the prisons just as much as they are on the streets. The prisons are corrupt with guards trafficking it in, so how is that helping. All it is doing is wasteing taxpayers dollars to imprison someone when our own justice system keeps feeding it them. Not everything is going to be perfect, I get that, I truly do. We need more help and education. Especially the education, because you know I didn’t know anything about meth or anything of the like. All I knew about meth was you could loose weight from it, and herion you used a needle for. That was all I knew about it. I wasn’t educated on the harsh reactions these hard drugs could do to your body. I can say that I have been clean for 7 months from meth and marijuana and have never done any other drug. The only help I got to get me clean, was jail. It was a wake up call for me, I do know that.

There’s needs to be more help out there for people with drug addictions, and more in-patient rehab facilities available. Especially in the rural communities like the one that I live in and have grown up in. People say the reason we don’t have the help or facilities in our rural communities is because of politics. I can’t just blame the politics on it. Yes, politics does have some to do with it but not all of it. There isn’t enough trained professionals in our areas to have these places. We don’t have the income median either.

We need to come together as a community, a state, and a country and help each other when we need it. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn’t mean you get the right to bet on their life of when their gonna die. How would you feel if someone done that to you or one of your children, grandkids, nieces or nephews, etc. You sure as hell woud be pissed off, because I know I would.

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As I lay here….

As I lay here I wonder if life is even worth living anymore. I constantly hear the whispers in the background about me from my own family. I am constantly hearing the ridicule about me and everyone thinks that I don’t hear anything. I hear the whispers and when I enter a room everyone shuts up or changes the subject or completely denies it when confronted about it.

So as I lay here wondering if life is even worth living, I am contemplating the many forms of suicide to take me out so that I can stop hearing all of the whispers and ridicules I know that the overdose of my medication won’t work, as I have tried it twice already and with no success. There are so many different forms of suicide someone can take and I have constantly been thinking about them.

I’m tired of the people in my life telling me who I can have for friends and whether they can come and hang out with me. People wonder why I am so depressed and all I want to do is sleep. What’s the point of being awake when I have people controlling my life and telling me who I can have for friends and what friends are allowed to come over and hang out.

I have tried and I mean tried since last June 2016 to fix things and open a conversation about this and other things and always get shot down and ignored. I’ve tried the help and it just doesn’t work either. So I will continue to lay here in this dark dreary world until it is my time to leave this horrendous world when it is my choice and no one else’s!

Friendships!

Friendships is one thing that I pride myself on. There is one friendship that I don’t have and I wish that I did have and miss. That was one friend that I could always go to when I had a problem and no one would ever listen to me when I needed someone to listen but he would. Yes there are things that he done/does that I don’t approve of, but no matter what I will always be there for him no matter what anybody says because that is what friendships are about.

I get told on a daily basis that this wasn’t a friendship or anything. It was just him using me to get whatever he needed or wanted. But you know what if that’s what it was, then it was, I don’t really care. I haven’t heard from him since around my birthday when I got out of jail and seen him in Casey’s and exchanged a few texts. Then I got a new phone and number and I lost his number.

This is one friendship that I wish I still had and wouldn’t change anything about the friendship that we had. We grew up together and were like brothers. I constantly hear negative things about him or what he is doing or has done but, that is something that I don’t believe. People say I don’t believe because I don’t want to believe it. That’s far from the truth, it’s not that I don’t want to believe, it’s I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!

I don’t trust my life with anyone really even my own mother, but I trust my life with him. There are only two people I trust my life with and that’s him and my other best friend. Sometimes I just want to see how he’s doing, hell with the sometimes, I wanna know all the time, because I worry about him. People don’t understand what I see in him, well I see a friend, someone that’s been hurt (several times), someone that needs a friend (a true friend).

They always say, friends come and go. Well you know what that may be true, but this is one friend never goes. I always wonder how he is and if he’s ok. I wrote him in prison and worried about him when he was in prison. Yea me may not look like that person I used to know, but looks aren’t anything, it’s what’s inside that matters and that never changes. He will always have a good heart and help whoever he can when he can as he did for me on several occasions.

I do know I would’ve pissed a lot of people off if I would’ve had to have surgery on my knee. Because that’s one person I would want there because he would be the one to push me to get better and to not be a pussy about it.

Mental Illness

With May being Mental Illness month, I thought I would share my mental illness with you. Something that I have had to learn to live live with is a mental illness and depression. When I was in the 4th grade I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder and depression, and at the time I was on several different medications to manage the symptoms of the disease. At the end of junior high school and the beginning of high school I thought I had the disease under control and well managed and the medications I was on I heard of side effects they could cause so I quit taking the medications. After being off the medications, I thought I really had everything under control until recently.

In June/July 2016 I attempted suicide by drug overdose and was put into a psychiatric hospital due to myself being harmful to myself which was self evident. They ended up putting me on medications which didn’t help, because in december of the same year I ended up trying to commit suicide once again by intentional drug overdose and was once again transferred back to the psychiatric hospital where they changed my medications. There have been times that I have thought of other means of self harm and mutilation to myself.

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Some of the underlying issues that surround me doesn’t help with my mental health either. I don’t have a strong support system to help with my mental health. I have people that want to help destroy my support system instead of support and strengthen it and that’s something that is literally surrounding me 24/7.

I know what I have to do to persevere with my life and my health. I know that if I need help there are people out there to provide that to me when I need it and not just to me but to everyone. If you’re in need of help make sure to seek if.

Death

Well I just found out that my my loving and amazing aunt Mimi in Texas passed away. She was such an amazing women and have so many fond memories of her and being with her when she would come up here to Illinois to visit with the family and I would visit her when I was in Texas when I was a kid.

There are so many things that I wish I could put into words on how I feel and how this woman meant to me but I can’t. I’ve heard so many different stories about her that were wonderful and inspiring. She would help anybody she came in contact with. You don’t find many people like that, but she was one of the few people that did.

My family has lost one amazing person and individual and our hearts mourn the loss of her. She won’t be forgotten. May you rest in peace Aunt Mimi until we meet again.

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May 10, 1933 – April 23, 2017

Mary Ellen Gorney, 83 passed away Sunday, April 23, 2017, in Tomball, Texas. She was devoted to caring for others. Her special passion was taking care of anyone in need, especially her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In the Day, Mrs. Gorney was active with the Home Demonstration Club and she often volunteered with school projects. She will be dearly missed. She is preceded in death by her husband, Louis Martin Gorney Jr. and her brother, Daniel Allison, She is survived by her daughters; Kathy Lee Kimich (Raymond), Elizabeth Ann Bishop (Byron), Terrie Jeanette Gorney (Mike Brophy), son, Daniel Martin Gorney, sisters; Patricia Clark, Carol Scharlow, Susan Cavero, Marilyn Stephenson, Linda Siewak, brothers; Bill Lysell, Fred Allison, Al O’Halloren and Larry Huffman, 15 grandchildren and 27 Great Grandchildren. Visitation will be held Wednesday, 5pm-8pm. A rosary will be recited at 7 PM. The funeral Mass will be held the following morning at St. Anne Catholic Church, 1111 S. Cherry St., Tomball, TX 77375. Interment will follow at Brookside Memorial Park.

Help!

My last post entitled Lost & Empty, I let my mom see it and read it and her reaction wasn’t what I expected. All she had to say was that she wanted something like that. I was shocked and amazed. How can you not read it and not ask anything about it or have any type of emotions? It was a simple cry for help. Help that I need and want and tried to scream and ask for and did I get it, hell no. All I get is, I want something like that.

What is the point of asking for help when no one is willing to help or willing to offer resources that aren’t even going to help? I have tried to get admitted to the hospital so that I can get help, as I was told to go there to get the help that I need and then the hospital turns me away. I am actually trying to ask for help and it is like everyone is deaf and can’t hear my screams for help no matter how loud I scream it.

I think I’m just gonna give up on trying to ask for the help that I need and just do it myself although it may not be healthy but what am I supposed to do when no one is listening to me.

That was like, I was writing my last post and company comes over while I’m in the middle of writing and I catch hell because I didn’t answer their phone call. Well, you know what, I was in the middle of something that was extremely important and didn’t have the time to answer it. I told this person what I was doing, writing my feelings, and their response was to put it on pause and answer the phone. That’s just something you can’t do. You can’t just put your feelings on pause or hold just to please someone. What gets me, is that after I told them what I was doing, did they bother to ask me, how I was or how I was feeling or anything? Hell no! I got nothing as usual. So here’s to me saying fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I can do myself to help myself even if it may not be mentally healthy, but what other choices do I have? None!

Lost & Empty

Here lately I have felt like I am lost somewhere and don’t belong and completely empty on the inside. I have been taking my medications like I am supposed to be doing but I think it is something more than that. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore and never really have. I have tried to talk to someone but it seems like no one wants to listen to me. With this emptiness and feeling lost I have been also getting severely agitated as well with just anything. I’m to the point that I don’t care anymore of who I piss off or not and I sure as in the hell not going to keep keeping the peace in the house anymore, I’m just tired of it. I wish I didn’t have these feelings anymore, and I know of one way and only way in order to get rid of these specific feelings and that’s just leaving this so-called wonderful world.

I have been trying for many years to try and find myself and where I belong and I am still lost and can’t find where I am supposed to be. I thought that when I went to California that I would find myself there or even when I was in Chicago on several occasions and am still lost. I have travelled to many destinations trying to find where I belong so I am no longer lost and have been unsuccessful. I feel like the only place I won’t be lost is by taking myself out of the equation. The first time I tried to commit suicide which I hardly remember anything, I felt like I was at peace and right where I belong. I was numb and didn’t feel anything and that was the best feeling I have ever felt.

My emptiness that I keep feeling just keeps getting stronger, like I have nothing on the inside and nothing to look forward, in which I don’t. I have nothing to look forward and I don’t look toward tomorrow when I when I go to sleep as the emptiness just keeps getting more empty than what it was the day before. I wish tomorrow would never come so I wouldn’t have to feel the emptiness grow stronger. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up and then I wouldn’t have to deal with being empty and lost anymore.

Something that helps brew my agitation, is the hatred and ass kissing attitudes that I have to live with and deal with on a daily basis. There is just so much hatred and ass kissing attitudes going on just in my house alone that I have to live with daily. It just gets so much under my skin that it makes me sick to my stomach so much that I just want to stay in my room and not deal with anything. Between feeling lost, empty and agitated, I am stuck in my room and listening to my music so I can drown everything out.

All the hatred attitude is always pointed towards me and then people wanna act like nothing and always want me to do something for them or help them with their problems. When I have problems they just act like they care and then when they think they have succeeded at making me feel better here comes the hatred again. People think that I don’t hear all the whispers that go on in this house, or when they go to other people and talk about me because it always gets back to me. I hear everything that goes on and how people think of me. What really agitates me is when, I try to get my feelings out, which may hurt other people and they get all defensive and wanna start a fight when in reality all I’m doing is speaking my feelings and the truth.

The ass kissing comes in so that there is peace in the house. You know what I’m to the point I don’t give a fuck about keeping peace. Peace is overrated in this society, hell look at our current president (Donald J. Trump) we have. I’m sick of hearing this excuse all the time, gotta keep peace. Why do we have to keep peace, what’s the point, it just builds on your own stress and the stress around others. I don’t see any point in keeping peace, which is why I’m not. I’m not going to be kissing everyone’s ass just to keep the peace. I am not going to keep adding onto my shoulders just to make everyone else happy. I’m not going to be a people pleaser anymore. I’m going to start doing me and only me before I even think about anyone else.

Self Admission

Depressed and manic! I haven’t been to bed in like 3 days as I haven’t been able to sleep as i have had a lot of energy and haven’t been able to contain but not enough energy to do any house work as i’m not doing that anymore because when i do i get downgraded and i’m tired of it. I was just told by someone that i’m a people pleaser and do almost any to make everyone happy well guess that shit is going to change as i’m going to start worrying about me and taking care of myself. I am currently sitting in the hospital in Urbana waiting on a crisis counselor to come and evaluate me so that i can possibly be admitted into the hospital for mental help with my bipolar. As this is the first time of me doing this on my own and by myself i am a little nervous and anxious. Every other time i was admitted it was because of self harm from intentional drug overdose and did not have a say and the originating hospital done it all. So here’s to me making a change for myself for once.

Well I can say that I was not able to get admitted into the hospital after speaking with the crisis counselor. They didn’t feel that I was a threat to myself or others and there was no need for me to be admitted into the hospital. Instead they referred me to a psychiatrist but am on a waitlist to be seen there so I have to continue with the medications that I am currently on along with the current dosage that I am taking. So in a way it was a waste of time for me to make a trip to Champaign, but I got to see some parts of Champaign that I haven’t got to explore yet.

Time to be admitted!?

Well I think its time that I have myself admitted into the hospital in Champaign at Presence so that I can have my medication reevaluated for my bipolar because I don’t that my medications are working anymore. I have been getting more depressed here lately and manic more than ever. I let my mom know about it last night and she started to freak out about it, but you know what, it is something that I need to do keep my mental health in check and in control so that I am stable so that I can live a stable and comfortable life. Yes, I shouldn’t have to admit myself into the hospital in order to do this, all I should have to do is contact my psychiatrist and make an appointment for this, but I don’t have one and yes I can schedule and appointment with one but that will and can take up to four weeks to get into to see one. I want to be able to get in and see one as soon as possible so that I’m not trying to commit suicide again, as I’ve done tried to commit it twice in less then 6 months. I’m already have the dreams of committing suicide like I did before when I attempted before therefore, I don’t want to encounter it again. They always say the third times a charm. And this would be the third time. This needs to be done and taken care of so that I can continue to live a fulfilling life for myself and be there for others that need me and depend on my. As always I need to work on me first before I can even begin to help anyone else and the first step to attempting to helping others is helping myself and that is what I am going to do.

I am going to talk to my probation officer tomorrow along with my counselor and let them know that I am going to be admitting myself into the hospital soon and that it will be for a 72 hour psychiatric hold for medication evaluation. I am going to reassure them that I will be doing it during the beginning of the week after group therapy and after probation so that I am not missing group or probation and to show that I am committed to staying in group and not missing any of it even for medical issues for myself.

I know that I screwed my group up last time by saying that I was in the hospital sick and that my mom was in the hospital sick and the like for a month straight and that wasn’t right for everyone in group or to myself. As I should be leading as an example as there are new people in group and I didn’t lead as a leader should but I am going and prove that I am a leader and can juggle my life, group, and my health and still function. Yet it still may still be a bit difficult at first, but I am always up for a challenge.

I do have it figured out of when I am going to drive myself to the hospital for a direct admit into Presence 5East, and it will be April 4th or 5th as I will have the funds to afford the transportation to drive myself there and back instead of paying someone to do both and I have enough of my current meds to last me until then. It’s just one week that I have to wait until I go, but I have no choice, and it is something that I have to do and need to do on my own and to quit depending on others to take me. It is a small stepping stone for me to independence by taking control of my healthcare. If I could afford to take myself now and have myself directly admitted into the hospital it would be a no brainer and would’ve already been done. So here’s to a small stepping stone into the right direction of bettering myself and my healthcare.

Snitching Bitchez

Well I went to probation today for the first time since getting out of jail and I got to find out a lot of shit. One of the first questions was my probation officer asked was if I was managing my moms money still and if I knew why I wasn’t. And then he told me all the things that people told him.

My mom (my own fucking mother) had the balls to tell my probation officer that she wasn’t sleeping because she was scared of me and afraid that i might do something to her. WTF!!! I am beyond pissed the fuck off and then she told him that I was stealing her meds (narcotics) from her which I wasn’t. I can’t believe my own mother would betray me like that and then when i try and ask her about it like a notmal conversation, she denies every fucking thing. Hell while I was in jail she even told my probation officer and everyone else that I wasn’t coming back home and that I wasn’t gonna be living here with her and everyone else.

Well beens the truth has been set out to me by my probation officer because my mother can’t tell me she just wants to lie to me as usual, I will be looking for another place to live and getting the fuck out of here. I hate doing shit like this but how can I trust her. Your supposed to be able to trust your own mother but yet I can’t trust her, and if I can’t trust her then why should I be around her. I don’t want nothing to do with her healthcare or anything. I let all of her doctors know that I am no longer her power of attorney as I am revoking it, and having the court system appoint a surrogate healthcare and financial power of attorney for her. The shit she says irritates me and gets underneath my skin.

I am going to find me somewhere else to live even if I have to live on the streets because I will. I can’t do this anymore. I’m just tired of being lied to and betrayed by my own mother and family.

My health mood for my depression/bipolar for today is shit. After finding this all out it just went down the drain. It was a pretty decent day until I found all of this out. This kind of drama/stress does not help my moods and depression and just makes it worse. and that is something that I can’t have in my life. If I continue to have it in my life, something is going to happen to me and that is something that I don’t want to happen. I have to much left of my life and in my life. I have 2 amazing nieces and one nephew that means the world to me and I can’t leave them, but if I stay in this hostile environment they will end up loosing me.

So here’s to a shitty ass day!!