Another Rant

Well I can say that I am fed up with everything, and I am looking for another place to live and no one is going to be coming with me. Hopefully by the end of November, I will have found me a suitable place for me away from all of the bullshit that I am around 24/7.

I’m to the point to where I don’t even want to be awake anymore. I force myself to sleep all the time if I’m not out doing something with friends having my me time, as I have no feeling when I’m at “home”. I’m the one that buys the groceries around here, and people can’t even keep the kitchen clean so that I or my mother can cook. They would rather soak up the A/C and eat up the food that I buy all at once. Hell its bad when you have to hide food because people love to eat it all up at once, but it does no good to hide it because they come in your room when your sleeping and snoop and find it, but your not allowed in their room, even though they don’t pay the rent. I’m just fed up with everything here.

I’m to the point where I would rather kill myself if I can’t make myself sleep. When you feelings like this, its best to say fuck it and find somewhere else to live and leave everything behind. I know I have a few city locations I have chosen of where to live, and they include Indianapolis and Champaign-Urbana and a few others, but preferrably Indianapolis as it is on of the furthest cities away from where I am currently, and I won’t have a reason to come back as it will be too far of a drive but not to far if there’s an emergency.

I’m just tired and about to give up on everything, and by moving, this would be the best option for me that I have left, I am currently looking at 3 bedrooms, that way if my mom wants to come and the guy I take care of that currently lives with me, wants to come they can but if they choose that they don’t wanna come with me, then I will narrow my choices down to 1-2 bedrooms, preferrably 2 then, that way I have a guest bedroom for whoever wants to come and stay. I DO NOT want a studio apartment, as that is just way too fucking small for me, as I like space, and that is something that I want and need. But I still have aobut two months before anything, So, I still have time to explore my options of what I want to rent and the location of what I want to call home.

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Grow Up

People need to just grow the fuck up and get over themselves. I have my niece here for the day and her so-called grandmother is bein a total bitch to her for no reason. Just because she don’t want her around someone. I could understand her point if this person done something but he hasn’t done anything, as he would do anything in the world for my 4 year old neice. All she wanted was to be in the living room with me and him but that was a NO. Each time she tried to come into the living room she would get yelled and told she could only be in the kitchen. How can you “lock up” a child in the kitchen, all because you want to be a bitch. I got news for you this isn’t going to keep happening because my mouth is getting ready to open up and people aren’t going to like what I have to say and what I’m going to do. What’s the worse that she can do, call my probation officer? Big deal, because he already knows whats going on in my house because I tell him all the time and email him constantly letting him know what is going on as he wants to know what is going on in my life. He knows the dynamics that I am living with and have to deal with on a daily basis and they have tried to fuck me over before and succeeded but this time it isn’t gonna happen.

So since she won’t let my niece come into the living room and watch tv and be a kid, I am sitting in the kitchen with her while I’m writing this, and watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas with her so that she can enjoy her movies since she can’t in the living room on my smart tv.

Humanity & Compassion

Anymore I just don’t understand people. I have been hearing some depressing news about a best friend that I have distanced myself from due to their drug use, but that is their business. I’ve been told my this friend is so messed up that I wouldn’t even recognize them if I saw them in public because all they are is skin covering bone. I wish there was something that I could do but there isn’t, and I know they won’t listen to me or anything because trust me, I have tried before on several occasions and it didn’t work and they wouldn’t listen. It just breaks my heart to hear these things that I am hearing.

Then I hear about another friend but more of an acquaintance than a friend, and they are hard up on the drugs as well. People have bets on their lives on who is going to overdose first and die from it.

I can’t wrap my head around it, how anyone can bet on someone’s life little lone on two lives and which one is gonna die first. What has this world come too. This is just way too much. Lives do matter, even if they have addictions. A lot of people think that by sending these addicts to prison they will get the rehab that they need. You know what, that don’t happen. The drugs are in the prisons just as much as they are on the streets. The prisons are corrupt with guards trafficking it in, so how is that helping. All it is doing is wasteing taxpayers dollars to imprison someone when our own justice system keeps feeding it them. Not everything is going to be perfect, I get that, I truly do. We need more help and education. Especially the education, because you know I didn’t know anything about meth or anything of the like. All I knew about meth was you could loose weight from it, and herion you used a needle for. That was all I knew about it. I wasn’t educated on the harsh reactions these hard drugs could do to your body. I can say that I have been clean for 7 months from meth and marijuana and have never done any other drug. The only help I got to get me clean, was jail. It was a wake up call for me, I do know that.

There’s needs to be more help out there for people with drug addictions, and more in-patient rehab facilities available. Especially in the rural communities like the one that I live in and have grown up in. People say the reason we don’t have the help or facilities in our rural communities is because of politics. I can’t just blame the politics on it. Yes, politics does have some to do with it but not all of it. There isn’t enough trained professionals in our areas to have these places. We don’t have the income median either.

We need to come together as a community, a state, and a country and help each other when we need it. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn’t mean you get the right to bet on their life of when their gonna die. How would you feel if someone done that to you or one of your children, grandkids, nieces or nephews, etc. You sure as hell woud be pissed off, because I know I would.

Iroquois Memorial Hospital

Well I ended up having to take my grandma to the emergency room the other night and all I can say is that it wasn’t a very pleasant trip there, but what trip to the emergency room is pleasant. This time was complete disgust.

The emergency room was full of mosquitoes, june bugs, and my grandma even had a bug (roach looking bug) crawling on her bed that I ended up killing. The patient next to her ended up signing an AMA as she left the emergency as she was being treated and taken care of she she should’ve been. The staff in the emergency room including the physcian was very rude and slow. I could see them being slow if they were busy, as it was the emergency room, but the only patients in there was my grandma and the patiend that ended up leaving against medical advice.

The emergency room physician ended up making the decision of having my grandmother admitted into the hospital for obsersation, but the doctor never told us it was the nurse that came and told us. The doctor never told us any of the test results from the tests that were ordered as it was the nurse that did, and per hospital policy it is the doctors (or attendings) job to provide us with the results. When we were notified that grandma was being admitted, doctor hadn’t even put in the order for the admission and we were told at 2am that she was being admitted. My grandma finally told us to go home around 3:30am so that we could get some as she would be getting in her room soon. Well We ended up going home around 4am and she still hadn’t been moved to her room yet. When I went to see grandma during the day, to see if she was being discharged she let us know she didn’t get into a room until around 530 in the morning when the doctor finally put in the order. So my grandma ended up having to stay in the emergency room  the entire time.

I can say that this will be the last time she ends up at Iroquois Memorial Hospital Emergency Department, for now on, I will take her to Carle Hospital.

More Knee Problems

Well I thought that when I had the cortisone injection in my knee back in May that I would be relieved of the pain in my knee but I was wrong. I was supposed to have a follow-up in August with orthopedics for another cortisone injection, but since the injections aren’t working they are going to try another injection in my knee. But I have to wait for insurance to clear these Hyaluronic Acid injections in my knee and then they will have to do the injections once a week for 4-5 weeks and hopefully that will cure the chronic knee pain.

As I lay here….

As I lay here I wonder if life is even worth living anymore. I constantly hear the whispers in the background about me from my own family. I am constantly hearing the ridicule about me and everyone thinks that I don’t hear anything. I hear the whispers and when I enter a room everyone shuts up or changes the subject or completely denies it when confronted about it.

So as I lay here wondering if life is even worth living, I am contemplating the many forms of suicide to take me out so that I can stop hearing all of the whispers and ridicules I know that the overdose of my medication won’t work, as I have tried it twice already and with no success. There are so many different forms of suicide someone can take and I have constantly been thinking about them.

I’m tired of the people in my life telling me who I can have for friends and whether they can come and hang out with me. People wonder why I am so depressed and all I want to do is sleep. What’s the point of being awake when I have people controlling my life and telling me who I can have for friends and what friends are allowed to come over and hang out.

I have tried and I mean tried since last June 2016 to fix things and open a conversation about this and other things and always get shot down and ignored. I’ve tried the help and it just doesn’t work either. So I will continue to lay here in this dark dreary world until it is my time to leave this horrendous world when it is my choice and no one else’s!

Friendships!

Friendships is one thing that I pride myself on. There is one friendship that I don’t have and I wish that I did have and miss. That was one friend that I could always go to when I had a problem and no one would ever listen to me when I needed someone to listen but he would. Yes there are things that he done/does that I don’t approve of, but no matter what I will always be there for him no matter what anybody says because that is what friendships are about.

I get told on a daily basis that this wasn’t a friendship or anything. It was just him using me to get whatever he needed or wanted. But you know what if that’s what it was, then it was, I don’t really care. I haven’t heard from him since around my birthday when I got out of jail and seen him in Casey’s and exchanged a few texts. Then I got a new phone and number and I lost his number.

This is one friendship that I wish I still had and wouldn’t change anything about the friendship that we had. We grew up together and were like brothers. I constantly hear negative things about him or what he is doing or has done but, that is something that I don’t believe. People say I don’t believe because I don’t want to believe it. That’s far from the truth, it’s not that I don’t want to believe, it’s I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!

I don’t trust my life with anyone really even my own mother, but I trust my life with him. There are only two people I trust my life with and that’s him and my other best friend. Sometimes I just want to see how he’s doing, hell with the sometimes, I wanna know all the time, because I worry about him. People don’t understand what I see in him, well I see a friend, someone that’s been hurt (several times), someone that needs a friend (a true friend).

They always say, friends come and go. Well you know what that may be true, but this is one friend never goes. I always wonder how he is and if he’s ok. I wrote him in prison and worried about him when he was in prison. Yea me may not look like that person I used to know, but looks aren’t anything, it’s what’s inside that matters and that never changes. He will always have a good heart and help whoever he can when he can as he did for me on several occasions.

I do know I would’ve pissed a lot of people off if I would’ve had to have surgery on my knee. Because that’s one person I would want there because he would be the one to push me to get better and to not be a pussy about it.

Mental Illness

With May being Mental Illness month, I thought I would share my mental illness with you. Something that I have had to learn to live live with is a mental illness and depression. When I was in the 4th grade I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder and depression, and at the time I was on several different medications to manage the symptoms of the disease. At the end of junior high school and the beginning of high school I thought I had the disease under control and well managed and the medications I was on I heard of side effects they could cause so I quit taking the medications. After being off the medications, I thought I really had everything under control until recently.

In June/July 2016 I attempted suicide by drug overdose and was put into a psychiatric hospital due to myself being harmful to myself which was self evident. They ended up putting me on medications which didn’t help, because in december of the same year I ended up trying to commit suicide once again by intentional drug overdose and was once again transferred back to the psychiatric hospital where they changed my medications. There have been times that I have thought of other means of self harm and mutilation to myself.

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Some of the underlying issues that surround me doesn’t help with my mental health either. I don’t have a strong support system to help with my mental health. I have people that want to help destroy my support system instead of support and strengthen it and that’s something that is literally surrounding me 24/7.

I know what I have to do to persevere with my life and my health. I know that if I need help there are people out there to provide that to me when I need it and not just to me but to everyone. If you’re in need of help make sure to seek if.

Death

Well I just found out that my my loving and amazing aunt Mimi in Texas passed away. She was such an amazing women and have so many fond memories of her and being with her when she would come up here to Illinois to visit with the family and I would visit her when I was in Texas when I was a kid.

There are so many things that I wish I could put into words on how I feel and how this woman meant to me but I can’t. I’ve heard so many different stories about her that were wonderful and inspiring. She would help anybody she came in contact with. You don’t find many people like that, but she was one of the few people that did.

My family has lost one amazing person and individual and our hearts mourn the loss of her. She won’t be forgotten. May you rest in peace Aunt Mimi until we meet again.

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May 10, 1933 – April 23, 2017

Mary Ellen Gorney, 83 passed away Sunday, April 23, 2017, in Tomball, Texas. She was devoted to caring for others. Her special passion was taking care of anyone in need, especially her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In the Day, Mrs. Gorney was active with the Home Demonstration Club and she often volunteered with school projects. She will be dearly missed. She is preceded in death by her husband, Louis Martin Gorney Jr. and her brother, Daniel Allison, She is survived by her daughters; Kathy Lee Kimich (Raymond), Elizabeth Ann Bishop (Byron), Terrie Jeanette Gorney (Mike Brophy), son, Daniel Martin Gorney, sisters; Patricia Clark, Carol Scharlow, Susan Cavero, Marilyn Stephenson, Linda Siewak, brothers; Bill Lysell, Fred Allison, Al O’Halloren and Larry Huffman, 15 grandchildren and 27 Great Grandchildren. Visitation will be held Wednesday, 5pm-8pm. A rosary will be recited at 7 PM. The funeral Mass will be held the following morning at St. Anne Catholic Church, 1111 S. Cherry St., Tomball, TX 77375. Interment will follow at Brookside Memorial Park.

Help!

My last post entitled Lost & Empty, I let my mom see it and read it and her reaction wasn’t what I expected. All she had to say was that she wanted something like that. I was shocked and amazed. How can you not read it and not ask anything about it or have any type of emotions? It was a simple cry for help. Help that I need and want and tried to scream and ask for and did I get it, hell no. All I get is, I want something like that.

What is the point of asking for help when no one is willing to help or willing to offer resources that aren’t even going to help? I have tried to get admitted to the hospital so that I can get help, as I was told to go there to get the help that I need and then the hospital turns me away. I am actually trying to ask for help and it is like everyone is deaf and can’t hear my screams for help no matter how loud I scream it.

I think I’m just gonna give up on trying to ask for the help that I need and just do it myself although it may not be healthy but what am I supposed to do when no one is listening to me.

That was like, I was writing my last post and company comes over while I’m in the middle of writing and I catch hell because I didn’t answer their phone call. Well, you know what, I was in the middle of something that was extremely important and didn’t have the time to answer it. I told this person what I was doing, writing my feelings, and their response was to put it on pause and answer the phone. That’s just something you can’t do. You can’t just put your feelings on pause or hold just to please someone. What gets me, is that after I told them what I was doing, did they bother to ask me, how I was or how I was feeling or anything? Hell no! I got nothing as usual. So here’s to me saying fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I can do myself to help myself even if it may not be mentally healthy, but what other choices do I have? None!