Besties

I can say that I have found me a new best friend and the best thing is that he is gay also. I now have someone that I can relate to and we can just kick it and have fun and I can be myself all the time whenever I want when I am hanging with him unlike my other friends I can’t, or when I am they can’t relate to everything that I am going through or understand anything haha lol.

 

I’m just glad that I am not the only gay guy around here now and is close to where I live and we get to kick it almost all the time haha lol. Thank god for best friends.

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Another Rant

Well I can say that I am fed up with everything, and I am looking for another place to live and no one is going to be coming with me. Hopefully by the end of November, I will have found me a suitable place for me away from all of the bullshit that I am around 24/7.

I’m to the point to where I don’t even want to be awake anymore. I force myself to sleep all the time if I’m not out doing something with friends having my me time, as I have no feeling when I’m at “home”. I’m the one that buys the groceries around here, and people can’t even keep the kitchen clean so that I or my mother can cook. They would rather soak up the A/C and eat up the food that I buy all at once. Hell its bad when you have to hide food because people love to eat it all up at once, but it does no good to hide it because they come in your room when your sleeping and snoop and find it, but your not allowed in their room, even though they don’t pay the rent. I’m just fed up with everything here.

I’m to the point where I would rather kill myself if I can’t make myself sleep. When you feelings like this, its best to say fuck it and find somewhere else to live and leave everything behind. I know I have a few city locations I have chosen of where to live, and they include Indianapolis and Champaign-Urbana and a few others, but preferrably Indianapolis as it is on of the furthest cities away from where I am currently, and I won’t have a reason to come back as it will be too far of a drive but not to far if there’s an emergency.

I’m just tired and about to give up on everything, and by moving, this would be the best option for me that I have left, I am currently looking at 3 bedrooms, that way if my mom wants to come and the guy I take care of that currently lives with me, wants to come they can but if they choose that they don’t wanna come with me, then I will narrow my choices down to 1-2 bedrooms, preferrably 2 then, that way I have a guest bedroom for whoever wants to come and stay. I DO NOT want a studio apartment, as that is just way too fucking small for me, as I like space, and that is something that I want and need. But I still have aobut two months before anything, So, I still have time to explore my options of what I want to rent and the location of what I want to call home.

Grow Up

People need to just grow the fuck up and get over themselves. I have my niece here for the day and her so-called grandmother is bein a total bitch to her for no reason. Just because she don’t want her around someone. I could understand her point if this person done something but he hasn’t done anything, as he would do anything in the world for my 4 year old neice. All she wanted was to be in the living room with me and him but that was a NO. Each time she tried to come into the living room she would get yelled and told she could only be in the kitchen. How can you “lock up” a child in the kitchen, all because you want to be a bitch. I got news for you this isn’t going to keep happening because my mouth is getting ready to open up and people aren’t going to like what I have to say and what I’m going to do. What’s the worse that she can do, call my probation officer? Big deal, because he already knows whats going on in my house because I tell him all the time and email him constantly letting him know what is going on as he wants to know what is going on in my life. He knows the dynamics that I am living with and have to deal with on a daily basis and they have tried to fuck me over before and succeeded but this time it isn’t gonna happen.

So since she won’t let my niece come into the living room and watch tv and be a kid, I am sitting in the kitchen with her while I’m writing this, and watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas with her so that she can enjoy her movies since she can’t in the living room on my smart tv.

Humanity & Compassion

Anymore I just don’t understand people. I have been hearing some depressing news about a best friend that I have distanced myself from due to their drug use, but that is their business. I’ve been told my this friend is so messed up that I wouldn’t even recognize them if I saw them in public because all they are is skin covering bone. I wish there was something that I could do but there isn’t, and I know they won’t listen to me or anything because trust me, I have tried before on several occasions and it didn’t work and they wouldn’t listen. It just breaks my heart to hear these things that I am hearing.

Then I hear about another friend but more of an acquaintance than a friend, and they are hard up on the drugs as well. People have bets on their lives on who is going to overdose first and die from it.

I can’t wrap my head around it, how anyone can bet on someone’s life little lone on two lives and which one is gonna die first. What has this world come too. This is just way too much. Lives do matter, even if they have addictions. A lot of people think that by sending these addicts to prison they will get the rehab that they need. You know what, that don’t happen. The drugs are in the prisons just as much as they are on the streets. The prisons are corrupt with guards trafficking it in, so how is that helping. All it is doing is wasteing taxpayers dollars to imprison someone when our own justice system keeps feeding it them. Not everything is going to be perfect, I get that, I truly do. We need more help and education. Especially the education, because you know I didn’t know anything about meth or anything of the like. All I knew about meth was you could loose weight from it, and herion you used a needle for. That was all I knew about it. I wasn’t educated on the harsh reactions these hard drugs could do to your body. I can say that I have been clean for 7 months from meth and marijuana and have never done any other drug. The only help I got to get me clean, was jail. It was a wake up call for me, I do know that.

There’s needs to be more help out there for people with drug addictions, and more in-patient rehab facilities available. Especially in the rural communities like the one that I live in and have grown up in. People say the reason we don’t have the help or facilities in our rural communities is because of politics. I can’t just blame the politics on it. Yes, politics does have some to do with it but not all of it. There isn’t enough trained professionals in our areas to have these places. We don’t have the income median either.

We need to come together as a community, a state, and a country and help each other when we need it. Just because someone uses drugs, doesn’t mean you get the right to bet on their life of when their gonna die. How would you feel if someone done that to you or one of your children, grandkids, nieces or nephews, etc. You sure as hell woud be pissed off, because I know I would.

Jason!

Well today is the birthday of my nephew Jason. Today he would’ve been 19 years old. He died when he was only 18 years old of an ATV accident. He wasn’t in the care of his biological parents nor did we know of his whereabouts. He was in the care of his adoptive parents. We just informed a few months before he passed by his biological mother that she put him up for adoption, and didn’t even notify my brother about anything. It is a long and painful story.

I have thought of Jason every day since the very last time that I saw him when I was a young child when his mother and my brother went back to Peoria after spending the weekend with us, and that was the last time that I had ever saw him. Jason had so much ahead of him, he was still so young and vibrant and a bright future to look forward to. When we found out that he was adopted out that’s when had reached out to some friends that knew how to find information out on adoptions and if anyone had rights to contact him. Ultimately, it was too late for all of that.

Still to this day, I blame his father (my brother and his biological mother) for why Jason is not with us today. When the last time I saw him, I asked them to stay just for a couple more days, they wouldn’t stay. And for that reason, I blame both parties for why I know longer have my nephew and have never seen him since and never will.

What’s bad is that I can’t go to the cemetary and see him and pay my respects, because he wasn’t buried, he was cremated, so I can’t apologize to him for trying to keep him for a couple more days and maybe he would still be alive to this day.

Jason I love you always have and always will and think of you all the time!

#ProtectTransTroops

President Donald Trump declared when running for president that he would support the LGBTQ community and be an ally. On June 14, 2016 he tweeted thanking the LGBT community and reminding us (LGBT community) he will fight for us! Well he has has lied to us once again.

He has tweeted out on July 26, 2017 that he will not allow or accept Transgendered individuals to serve in any capacity of the US Military. By doing this, this will be discharging 15,000+ active military service members in the US Military.

We as Americans must stand together against our bigoted president and let him know that we can not allow him to dismantle our rights and freedoms.

National Sibling Day

Well hell I seen my brother shared a post on Facebook today about National Sibling Day and mentioned his two sisters and his non blood siblings and nothing about me or his other brothers. When I seen that, it just hurt me. My heart had just dropped and has made my depression coke back into play today as I was feeling pretty good today for the first time in a couple of weeks.

You know what yea we have our differences on so many things that we barely relate to anything at all but we are still siblings. He couldn't even acknowledge me and that's what hurts me the most. This is the first time that he has ever done this. I'm gonna try and not let this get to me but I guess it is what it is. Life must go on.

Team iPhone

Well I can say that I am officially back on #TeamiPhone after a short hiatus (5 months). I can say that I am so glad that I am glad that I am back with my iPhone. I have been so lost without having an iPhone. I was using an Android phone and I can say that it totally sucked ass and didn’t have any of the features that I came to love that Apple offers. I can say that I won’t ever go back to Android and will stick to iPhone and everything Apple.

Iroquois Memorial Hospital

Well I ended up having to take my grandma to the emergency room the other night and all I can say is that it wasn’t a very pleasant trip there, but what trip to the emergency room is pleasant. This time was complete disgust.

The emergency room was full of mosquitoes, june bugs, and my grandma even had a bug (roach looking bug) crawling on her bed that I ended up killing. The patient next to her ended up signing an AMA as she left the emergency as she was being treated and taken care of she she should’ve been. The staff in the emergency room including the physcian was very rude and slow. I could see them being slow if they were busy, as it was the emergency room, but the only patients in there was my grandma and the patiend that ended up leaving against medical advice.

The emergency room physician ended up making the decision of having my grandmother admitted into the hospital for obsersation, but the doctor never told us it was the nurse that came and told us. The doctor never told us any of the test results from the tests that were ordered as it was the nurse that did, and per hospital policy it is the doctors (or attendings) job to provide us with the results. When we were notified that grandma was being admitted, doctor hadn’t even put in the order for the admission and we were told at 2am that she was being admitted. My grandma finally told us to go home around 3:30am so that we could get some as she would be getting in her room soon. Well We ended up going home around 4am and she still hadn’t been moved to her room yet. When I went to see grandma during the day, to see if she was being discharged she let us know she didn’t get into a room until around 530 in the morning when the doctor finally put in the order. So my grandma ended up having to stay in the emergency room  the entire time.

I can say that this will be the last time she ends up at Iroquois Memorial Hospital Emergency Department, for now on, I will take her to Carle Hospital.

13-29-47

13-29-47 is my old high school locker combination and old highschool computer password that I used when I needed to use the computer at school. I have been thinking of my high school career from when I was in high school before I dropped out here lately and I can say that I have been missing it. That is the one thing that I wish that I hadn’t done, is drop out of high school as by dropping out I didn’t accomplish anything with my life and still haven’t accomplished anything. But I can say that I am changing that, as I am going to get my GED even though I am 28 years old. I have been studying on my own but the only thing that I have been having issues with is the mathematics, but this post isn’t about me and the GED. It’s about me and my high school career. It’s something that I have been reflecting on here lately. Since dropping out of high school, I have lost all contacts with all of my friends that I had in school and I believe that if I had stayed in school and completed it and went on to college I wouldn’t be where I am now, stuck in a rut/whole that I am trying to get out of which has been hell but have been trying to do, even though it has been slow (extremely slow).

I am on my way to get myself out of my predictament and move on with my life and make something of myself even if I have to make sacrifices to get there that I don’t want to. It is something that I have finally realized that I need to do and have to do in order to move on with my life. I am determined to do this, no one can do this for me, it is something that I have to do for myself, since I didn’t do it when I was in high school, I have to do it now.

I had so many prospectives when I was in high school, and looked forward to graduating and moving on with my life and starting a life and I through it all away for nothing. People ask me if it is something that I regret, and the simple answer is yes. Yes I do regret it. I could’ve pushed through the obstacles and challenges that were put in front of me, but instead I took to easy way out and said fuck it, and just quit it all together. This is one of my biggest regrets of my life that I have to live with until I fix it, as it is something that I can fix and will fix. Determination is something that I have in order to get this fixed and get my life back on track and keep going forward and moving forward in a positive meaning and energy.