The past coupe of weeks (maybe a month) has been just a total shit hole for me. I have been severely depressed, where I don’t even wanna get out of bed literally. I don’t know what is going on with this funk, but I am sick of it. I have been thinking about a lot of things and a lot of things have been going through my mind and I just wish it would all just stop. It’s to the point I don’t even know what I am thinking anymore, which is bad, as I always know what I am thinkig of and always have full control of my faculties. I know I’m not going to do anything stupid and jeopardize my life or anything like that. It’s I just don’t have a care in the world of what’s going on. I don’t know what is causing this, and have been trying to figure it out but without any success, but I am determined to figure out what is going on and to fix it.
I know drugs doesn’t have anything to do with it, as I have been clean and sober for 12 months now from any illegal drugs, So I know drugs aren’t clouding my thoughts and such. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the impending Holidays that are coming and the ones we just had. I’ve thought about it, some of my thoughts are saying that it is the impending holidays. I do get this way annually around this time, as in the next month it will be the anniversay of my grandmothers passing in 2002. My grandma was my rock, I could always go to her if I needed someone to talk to or the such, and I don’t have that rock anymore. I’ve been told that this will pass, and been told this since the passing, and it hasn’t gone away. It not just the passing of my grandmother, but also the passing of my dear uncle. My uncle Danny passed away in the cold winter months as well and he was also my everything. Those two were my everything in my world, and it’s like I have no one anymore that I can lean on for guidance and support. I guess that I am still grieving the loss of my grandma and my uncle, and that grieving can last a long time. I get told that I should be done grieving time has passed. You know what time has passed but I don’t think I will ever be done grieving as they were the ones that always supported me. There’s one thing that I never got to tell these two amazing people about me, but they know from watching over me. And that is that I am gay. That is the one thing I wish I could tell them. I always thought it would be hard for me to tell my mom or anyone else, but its my grandma and uncle. Yes my mom means the world to me as well, but I know she didn’t care or anything. I don’t know how to say it really, but its my grandma and my uncle.
This funk has really gotten to me this year, I could barely even put the Christmas tree up and that is something that I can’t wait for every year. Hell, my room is a complete disaster and I know it and wanna clean it but I have to motivation or desire to clean it.
So here’s to working through it all continuously with and without help and support.