Here lately I have felt like I am lost somewhere and don’t belong and completely empty on the inside. I have been taking my medications like I am supposed to be doing but I think it is something more than that. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore and never really have. I have tried to talk to someone but it seems like no one wants to listen to me. With this emptiness and feeling lost I have been also getting severely agitated as well with just anything. I’m to the point that I don’t care anymore of who I piss off or not and I sure as in the hell not going to keep keeping the peace in the house anymore, I’m just tired of it. I wish I didn’t have these feelings anymore, and I know of one way and only way in order to get rid of these specific feelings and that’s just leaving this so-called wonderful world.
I have been trying for many years to try and find myself and where I belong and I am still lost and can’t find where I am supposed to be. I thought that when I went to California that I would find myself there or even when I was in Chicago on several occasions and am still lost. I have travelled to many destinations trying to find where I belong so I am no longer lost and have been unsuccessful. I feel like the only place I won’t be lost is by taking myself out of the equation. The first time I tried to commit suicide which I hardly remember anything, I felt like I was at peace and right where I belong. I was numb and didn’t feel anything and that was the best feeling I have ever felt.
My emptiness that I keep feeling just keeps getting stronger, like I have nothing on the inside and nothing to look forward, in which I don’t. I have nothing to look forward and I don’t look toward tomorrow when I when I go to sleep as the emptiness just keeps getting more empty than what it was the day before. I wish tomorrow would never come so I wouldn’t have to feel the emptiness grow stronger. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up and then I wouldn’t have to deal with being empty and lost anymore.
Something that helps brew my agitation, is the hatred and ass kissing attitudes that I have to live with and deal with on a daily basis. There is just so much hatred and ass kissing attitudes going on just in my house alone that I have to live with daily. It just gets so much under my skin that it makes me sick to my stomach so much that I just want to stay in my room and not deal with anything. Between feeling lost, empty and agitated, I am stuck in my room and listening to my music so I can drown everything out.
All the hatred attitude is always pointed towards me and then people wanna act like nothing and always want me to do something for them or help them with their problems. When I have problems they just act like they care and then when they think they have succeeded at making me feel better here comes the hatred again. People think that I don’t hear all the whispers that go on in this house, or when they go to other people and talk about me because it always gets back to me. I hear everything that goes on and how people think of me. What really agitates me is when, I try to get my feelings out, which may hurt other people and they get all defensive and wanna start a fight when in reality all I’m doing is speaking my feelings and the truth.
The ass kissing comes in so that there is peace in the house. You know what I’m to the point I don’t give a fuck about keeping peace. Peace is overrated in this society, hell look at our current president (Donald J. Trump) we have. I’m sick of hearing this excuse all the time, gotta keep peace. Why do we have to keep peace, what’s the point, it just builds on your own stress and the stress around others. I don’t see any point in keeping peace, which is why I’m not. I’m not going to be kissing everyone’s ass just to keep the peace. I am not going to keep adding onto my shoulders just to make everyone else happy. I’m not going to be a people pleaser anymore. I’m going to start doing me and only me before I even think about anyone else.