Well I think its time that I have myself admitted into the hospital in Champaign at Presence so that I can have my medication reevaluated for my bipolar because I don’t that my medications are working anymore. I have been getting more depressed here lately and manic more than ever. I let my mom know about it last night and she started to freak out about it, but you know what, it is something that I need to do keep my mental health in check and in control so that I am stable so that I can live a stable and comfortable life. Yes, I shouldn’t have to admit myself into the hospital in order to do this, all I should have to do is contact my psychiatrist and make an appointment for this, but I don’t have one and yes I can schedule and appointment with one but that will and can take up to four weeks to get into to see one. I want to be able to get in and see one as soon as possible so that I’m not trying to commit suicide again, as I’ve done tried to commit it twice in less then 6 months. I’m already have the dreams of committing suicide like I did before when I attempted before therefore, I don’t want to encounter it again. They always say the third times a charm. And this would be the third time. This needs to be done and taken care of so that I can continue to live a fulfilling life for myself and be there for others that need me and depend on my. As always I need to work on me first before I can even begin to help anyone else and the first step to attempting to helping others is helping myself and that is what I am going to do.
I am going to talk to my probation officer tomorrow along with my counselor and let them know that I am going to be admitting myself into the hospital soon and that it will be for a 72 hour psychiatric hold for medication evaluation. I am going to reassure them that I will be doing it during the beginning of the week after group therapy and after probation so that I am not missing group or probation and to show that I am committed to staying in group and not missing any of it even for medical issues for myself.
I know that I screwed my group up last time by saying that I was in the hospital sick and that my mom was in the hospital sick and the like for a month straight and that wasn’t right for everyone in group or to myself. As I should be leading as an example as there are new people in group and I didn’t lead as a leader should but I am going and prove that I am a leader and can juggle my life, group, and my health and still function. Yet it still may still be a bit difficult at first, but I am always up for a challenge.
I do have it figured out of when I am going to drive myself to the hospital for a direct admit into Presence 5East, and it will be April 4th or 5th as I will have the funds to afford the transportation to drive myself there and back instead of paying someone to do both and I have enough of my current meds to last me until then. It’s just one week that I have to wait until I go, but I have no choice, and it is something that I have to do and need to do on my own and to quit depending on others to take me. It is a small stepping stone for me to independence by taking control of my healthcare. If I could afford to take myself now and have myself directly admitted into the hospital it would be a no brainer and would’ve already been done. So here’s to a small stepping stone into the right direction of bettering myself and my healthcare.