Depression & Suicide Feelings

Here lately I have been feeling feeling depressed especially after my last counseling session that I had this past Tuesday. I was severely criticized with words of hate. I was told that I am a useless human being, scum, lazy, worthless, useless just to name a few. I came out of my counseling session feeling pissed at the moment. After thinking of it continually it has just brought me down and causing my depression to take over. Since then all I have done is just lay in bed and contemplate my life. I have seriously been thinking of suicide and the ways to committing it. In the past I have mentioned it to my so-called counselor about my feelings and get no answers or any kind of help from him, except for him agreeing to the terms that I was called. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have completely ignored most of my family phone calls and text messages due to this as I just don’t feel comfortable even going outside anymore as I’m afraid people around here will also think the same thing. I wish people (especially my therapist) would take into consideration my thoughts and feelings that I am feeling at the moment but that doesn’t happen either. I can’t go to my mother as she don’t completely understand but is the type that will attempt to try. Another reason I don’t go to her is because I don’t like talking to her about things like this. The one person I could always talk to when I had these feelings or anything was my grandmother and she is gone and I truly miss her with all my heart. My next person I go to when I need someone to talk to is my amazing best friend Nick. He has always been there for me when I needed someone. 

I just feel like giving up on everything. Every time I try to do something or suggest something it always get frowned upon or simply overlooked. I just don’t know what to do anymore and want to just leave this world and stop putting a burden on everyone in my life. I think that with me being out of the picture everyone would be much better. 

The past couple of days I have found some music to listen to even though in my opinion it is depressing music but by listening to it, it makes me think of things and puts things into perspective for me and what I should do with my life. My life is just total shit and nothing will ever come from for it. All I am is a complete screw up and a nuisance to anyone and everyone in my book. I just want to lay in my amazing bed and go to sleep and never wake up and not have anyone else in my life in misery. I have fucked everyone’s life up that comes into my life even my family. I just wish there was one drug I could take and never wake up again so everyone can have a better life as all I am is a burden in their lives.

So the past few days I have decided to distance myself from anyone and everyone. I went off the grid and powered off my cell phone so that I wouldn’t get any calls or messages which I know I shouldn’t do that but was something that I needed to do so that I could have a few days to myself and just think and not worry about anything.